Dealing with Disapointment

As parents there will be times we wish we could control people and events around us. As that is not possible there may be times where we or our children are left disappointed. That feeling sucks. So I’m going to let you know some ways to deal with it and eliminate the grasp it has.

Why am I writing about this?

 The truth is something happened and I began to write this mainly to help myself through what I was feeling. It helped me and so of course I had to share with you.

What happened?

 Basically my gorgeous little girl went for her judo grading. That is where she takes part in some fights to show the judges her abilities, they may give her a band or different colour belt if she has improved.

Well basically she didn’t get her yellow belt.

Here me out I’m not disappointed with her or her efforts (In fact I couldn’t be prouder of her), or that I wanted her to get this level but she had set herself the goal. She put so much effort into preparing and as far as I could see (not that I’m biased or anything) she did just as well as her peers. In the second fight she got ippon in seconds! (That’s really good).

She has put in so much effort and we’ve practised together for weeks. Even her instructor said she has been most improved lately. Once she had done her fights she had to wait for the results this took a few hours. Hours of the excitement, wondering, and hoping.

There’s more . .

After the waiting her friends were called one by one before her. Each received a yellow certificate for their yellow belt achievements. B was called next and handed a white certificate. She was awarded two yellow bands.

 It’s not just that, although it did kick me in the gut. It was what followed, my little girl held in her disappointment until she reached my lap and she sobbed her little heart out. Hearing her say she was disappointed with herself, that’s what got me, and seeing that this has affected her beliefs in her own ability.

It was watching the other children receive their yellow belts and now her friends who she trains with stand at a different end of the line. I know its how it is but it seems so tough, even though she doesn’t seem to be bothered by that.

 Why am I affected?

Being a super mum isn’t about never feeling bad. It’s about knowing that my feelings are down to me and I can do something to change them if I don’t like them. I know that this will become easier and easier with practise.

I hate feeling like this and it’s not helping me in any way, actually it’s hindering me because it’s staying with me in other things I do.

What to do when feeling disappointed.

 This list is all the different things I could think of that will help the situation for me and anyone dealing with disappointment. I have to say I feel better now I’m free from the negative feelings.

Were all different so different things in the list will suit different people, with different situations. I do recommend doing more than one of the suggestions and really putting your all into it. They will all help in different ways. Although don’t feel you have to do all of them.

  • Sort it out.

It is usually one belief that begins your feelings of disappointment, but it is easy to accumulate many more reasons to feel bad once you do. It is easy to get bogged down with many entwined beliefs. This means before you know it you are facing something that seems worse than it actually is and because it’s a mix of negativity it can seem hard to face the real problem. Deal with reasons for your disappointment separately.

  • Talk it out with someone.

They may not be able to change what happened but it helps you to hear your thoughts aloud and let out your emotions instead of keeping them in.  You can also be grateful you have someone who’s there for you.

  • Re-frame the situation.

How you see things doesn’t really mean it’s a true representation of them. At the moment you’ll be focusing on all the things that are bad about it. Is it helpful to keep thinking about why it’s so bad, does it help your parenting? It actually distracts from parenting. Look on bright side, there is one find it! … I mean it whatever it is there will be a positive search for it; once you see one good thing it may lead you to more.

  • Put it in perspective.

OK at this moment in time it seems very central to your life but take a step back. Will this be as significant next month? Think about your life the things that are important to you. You still have many things in your life that mean much more to you than this, don’t take them for granted, list them now. You are lucky.

  • Move forward

You can mope about this for as long as you like. You can keep picturing it and keep feeling the disappointment as intensely as when it happened. You can keep thinking of all the reasons this is such a bad thing that happened, but what will it change? Nothing when you’re done it will still have happened. You’ll still be feeling rubbish and may have even let things get worse by not being fully present.

How do I move forward? First you accept what’s happened, you don’t like it but it’s done. Look for what’s next. What do you want now? If you had a goal that didn’t get achieved what do you do, you keep going. Just because it didn’t happen yet doesn’t mean it won’t. If you have to change your goals, change them.

  • Change the belief

By locating the belief that’s causing the feelings of disappointment it is possible to change the belief and therefore the feeling. I will go into this and how I can help you do this, another time.

Things to remember

 You get to choose, keep the feeling or let it go it’s happened. We cannot control everything and that’s good because everything that happens offers us ways to grow and learn. We don’t always get what we want and that’s how it is for everyone. Isn’t that what we tell our children? I know I do. We can be there to help our children to help themselves through this but first we must be able to help ourselves.

We can take this whole situation and use it to help ourselves develop and in doing so we will be teaching our children how it’s done. We will show them that even mommy or daddy don’t always get what they want. We can show them that it happens and its ok, we don’t have to let it feel bad or ruin our day.

Next time you are disappointed share it with them, and what a gift it will be to empower not only yourself but also your child for future events.

 

Have you any points to add other ways you deal with disappointment? When did you last feel this way I’d love to hear your comments!