I was around 19 and sitting at the bottom of the stairs with the door closed in the dull light. The phone wire pulled tight around the door.
My heart was pounding and breaking at the same time. I was a whirlwind of emotion as I pressed in the numbers. Confusion, painful sadness, anxiousness.
Now I am speaking to this person I’ve never met or spoken to before.
And my heart is breaking a million times over. The tears spill and burn my cheeks, then flow and I try to stop my breathing as a way to stop these feelings and the tears as they are making it impossible to talk at all.
I remember when we first became friends, I was sitting in a crowded hall for a new year of learning. People everywhere sat waiting for the introduction talk to begin. I sat quietly, I didn’t know anyone then I turn to look behind me. As I look at the sea of chattering people, something catches my eye. I didn’t really see the person but I saw two piercing eyes.
Those eyes were startling. It was as if a wolf itself was walking into the hall…
Then I became aware of the person behind them, they stood and gave me a friendly wave and such a warm smile. I thought I was the only one who was back from the year before, now she was familiar, it was the two of us.
Although we hadn’t really known much about each other before, we became friends there and then. We had a lot in common, she was a lovely soft caring person. We chatted about life, we laughed about silly things and even shared about some of our deepest struggles and darkest moments.
She was like a delicate flower growing among weeds, draining her. I love to remember her face even when she was pregnant and swollen her face was still beautiful, a face of kindness. Her sparkling eyes had such a friendliness about them and as I think back also a well of sadness.
I can’t bear to think of how much that sadness consumed her, until then I had never known the true horrific impact anxiety, and devastatingly limiting beliefs, could have.
Next came the wishes, heavy empty wishes, no fairy dust, no more sparkle. We were who we were, dealing with our own struggles. How could I have made any difference when I didn’t know the answer either, or even if there was one?
After she did what she did…
I didn’t know if it was true, I text her, called her phone. Later I received a reply from her mom with a number on saying I could call. I was anxious about any phone call back then I’d always get nervous but now I had to call this person I didn’t even know, to speak about things I didn’t want to even think about.
But I had to find out where the funeral was.
And ask about her small son, who would look after him now?
Here I was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, phone wire around the door, unable to speak or breath or think even anymore. I hear this lady talking to me, this mom who now had a grandson to look after while grieving her loss.
And She was asking ME if I wanted a minute.
In that moment I pulled myself together at least for the rest of the call. I had no place falling apart untill the call ended.
I share this with you because it’s one of the reasons I do what I do. Helping kids and parents learn about and change their emotions and beliefs. So they can enjoy life, and live happy.
Have you ever experienced that feeling of helplessness, when someone you love is facing their own limiting beliefs and anxieties?
I want to support you, to make a difference.